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the blog of a bear

this is where a bear will post stuff.

humor

repost from an external source: A Professional Apology from your Web Host.

March 20, 2013 by stickbear Leave a Comment

the following was originally
over here
and is reposted here, because it’s absolutely funny.

A Professional Apology from your Web Host
So like. Ok check this out. We have this big data center right? And this big data center is like really big and stuff, and it uses a lot of this power stuff. Well like ok so you know when you have really important stuff like I dunno your computer or your Xbox or something and if the power goes out you want to keep it from just suddenly turning off right? Cause there’s nothing worse than when the power goes out during a game of Call of Duty and it’s like “Oh Crap man I was just about to win and shit just got real and the hell?”
So you plug it in to this thing like a UPS or something kinda like the dudes that deliver packages and I always have to sign for shit. I mean it’s no big deal anyways since I don’t work during the day and deliver pizzas at night and the UPS guy is always here around 2:30 or so. Oh yeah. So ok About that.
So our really big data center is supposed to have a UPS which it does… I think. But apparently like ok so some squirrel was like chewing on the wires again and it’s like “stop it damnit”, but anyways. So this squirrel is all up there omnomnoming the wires, and like zap! The squirrel is now like a McSquirrel or something which probably wouldn’t taste good even with cheese and mayo, but like the power got all funny and the data center went pop and apparently the UPS was never plugged in cause Joe was like all like “Dude I’ll do it tomorrow.”
So now our customers like can’t run their websites and stuff which sucks because now the world is all like “Omfg where’s all the websites with cat pictures”, and some 15-year-old can’t see lolcats or something and kills himself and then it’s like on the news abouthow we really fucked up and the headline is all like I Can has funeral and everyone laughs but it’s a real dick move.
So we’re trying to fix it, but it’s like difficult and we think we got it so we want to apologize if your site wasn’t working but it should work now so don’t cancel your service. We promise this won’t happen again. Until next week.

yeah, that’s so
dream host
as seen
over here
and why I’ll not go back to them again. Nice and stable, right? /sarc/

Filed Under: amusement, humor, humour

best divorce letter ever.

October 5, 2012 by stickbear 2 Comments

this rocks.
blockquote>
BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.
I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last
2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping–Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed
$50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone..
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Filed Under: humor, humour

suffering from swamp PMS, Post mission syndrome? 10 reasons why.

March 30, 2012 by stickbear Leave a Comment

This rolled across
a forum topic
on
the audiogames forum
and I was amused enough I had to post it here.

2,694 Reply by KenWDowney Today 17:05:03
KenWDowney
Galaxy stranger
OfflineRegistered: 2007-04-20
Posts: 37
User Karma: 2
Re: Swamp, zombie fps by AproneAre you suffering from PMS? Post mission syndrome can be discomforting at the least, and nearly deadly if allowed to progress untreated. Here are the top ten signs and symptoms.
10. You can’t play Swamp right now–so you write poetry about past glories instead!
9. Or write Aprone and the forum countless times, asking when the server will be back up, and begging him to please, please, please, please put it up soon. Then, before you can click submit, you go into a glorious dream and, as soo as you wake up, start begging Aprone to put grenades in, right away.
8. “What’s this aching pain below my abdomen?” you wonder. “Oh, yikes!” you shout, “I haven’t been to the bathroom in ages. Hope I remember how…”
7. You go to councelling when the server’s down, and complain that your life just isn’t complete anymore.
6. Wow! You have a family?
5. And friends too? Intriguing–but it’s time to shoot them like the zombies they are. (Bang! Babang!) What? They weren’t zombies? Oops
4. “What?” you find yourself moaning, “You mean, if I wanna go somewhere I have to get off my butt and walk? I miss the days when all I had to do was just hold down the button!”
3. “Where’s that crate!” you mutter, “I hear it pinging, but can’t find it–think it’s hiding in the sink, under all these dirty dishes.” (Clatter, crash, boom) “Nope, it was just the dripping faucet. Damn!
2. You’ve been sitting in SZ for hours now, and no one has so much as mentioned missions. Then, someone informs you that you are not at the safe zone at all, but in jail for shooting your family and friends!
1. The cops laugh at you when, disgusted with them, you press dash on an imaginary keyboard, aim with an imaginary mouse, and fire. You even make minigun sounds with your mouth, and nearly fait when nothing happens.

there you go.

Filed Under: humor

I'm amused.

March 29, 2012 by stickbear Leave a Comment

I blame david.

Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.
The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was.
The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, “This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?”
“What exactly do you mean?” Emily asked.
“Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?” the teacher expounded.
After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, “I can’t really say, since I’ve never been ‘bolted’.”

Filed Under: humor

Add this to things you didn't want to know, but have to read anyway.

February 9, 2012 by stickbear 4 Comments

I haven’t posted a non sports update in awhile, so here’s my non sports update.
While playing
Jeremy’s swamp
A player decided that it would be nifty to post a link. that link was one of those links…. I had to post the content here, just because it was so out their, I had to share the knowledge.
Here’s the original link
If you don’t want to click the link? Text is below.
Warning, if your easily offended, ***do not read!*** as this is adult in nature, and I’m not responsible if I offend your christian, catholic, morman or some other religious ears!

philadelphia > RE: Best Self Pleasure Method
Originally Posted: Fri, 24 Jun 14:45 EDT
RE: Best Self Pleasure Method
——————————————————————————–
Date: 2005-06-24, 2:45PM EDT
——————————————————————————–
I’ve got to hand it to the Original Poster. Using a blood pressure sleeve as a masturbatory device is a very creative technique. I feel that it is incumbent upon me to share my favorite alternative masturbation technique with the males of Craig’s List as well.
Using a very complex mathematical formula (Villanova grad- Physics and Statistics dual major), I was able to make the determination that heating an unskinned cantelope in the microwave for six minutes and thirty-two seconds will cause the interior of the cantelope to warm to the average basal body temperature of a woman’s vagina. After removing the cantelope from the microwave and skinning it, I carve out a small hole using a potato peeler and let my erect penis do the rest of the work! As you penetrate the warm, soft, fruity flesh of the cantelope, you will find that it feels EXACTLY like sinking into a real woman! And even better, YOU’RE in complete control of the cantelope!
I usually climax into the cantelope as I call out the name of my hottest ex-girlfriend, Heather. Heather was very, very hot (GREAT ass) but she was so annoying (even in bed) that it completely spoiled her hottness- including that hot ass, which I would sniff and lick like a rabid dog whenever I got the opportunity. Since a cantelope by its very nature is incapable of verbal communication, this most precious piece of produce can ultimately sometimes be more satisfying.
My Catholic education taught me some real values, and I hestitate to waste ANY food products while millions starve in both the Third World and industrialized nations. Consequently, I make sure to chop up the cantelope after I masturbate into it and make a fruit salad. I usually add some watermelon, strawberries, grapes, blueberries, starfruit and sliced kiwi in with the “treated” cantelope.
(CAUTIONARY NOTE: Watermelons serve as very poor masturbationary devices. Aside from being too large for most microwaves, the seeds can cause serious injury to your penis. Try explaining that to an emergency room physician! Additionaly, the flesh of a watermelon begins to reek as it warms in ways that an actual, live vulva never could. I’ve performed oral sex on girls who have been jogging in 90 degree weather after sunbathing on the beach all day, and watermelon smells MUCH worse.)
After garnishing with romaine lettuce and that “other” cream- Cool Whip- I serve the fruit salad (affectionatly referred to as BLFS, or “Blown Load Fruit Salad”) to my roommates and female friends, who have no idea that they are actually eating my blown load. I feel guilty about serving it to my roommates (especially when they ask for some BLFS by name and have no idea as to what they are actually referring), but I feel funny telling them not to eat it because I used the cantelope to empty my testicle. (Yes, I have only one- motorbike accident when I was 12.) Plus, it WOULD look rather suspicious if only the women availed themselves of the fruit salad that I offered to all of my guests.
Serving Blown Load Fruit Salad does have one MAJOR benefit- it’s a huge confidence booster when I see a girl out at the bar who has eaten a generous helping of this most seminal recipe. I am better able to hold a confident and clever conversation with even the most stunningly beautiful women, armed with the knowledge that she thoroughly enjoyed a clandestine serving of my sperm. To date, I have scored 3 hook-ups that are fully attributable to my increased confidence while conversing with these women. (Funny story- one of them remarked that I have the worst tasting sperm that they have ever swallowed. She didn’t say that the first time around!)
I would be remiss if I did not advocate safe sex with the wares found at your local grocer. Condoms will protect you from various fruit-borne illnesses. (If you are really determined to serve Blown Load Fruit Salad afterward, you can just shake out the condom into the cantelope.) There are reports that tribes in Zimbabwe found that their penises would become inflamed and attract insects after a similar ritual was performed using the Green Cabasawa Melonfruit that is native to that region. Its composition is similar to the California cantelope in several respects, and you do not want a trail of fruit flies zipping around your crotch as you walk around the neighborhood. It is not only unsightly, but they really start to take a chunk out of your peter after a while.
Also, be VERY careful about using other fruit varieties for sexual gratification- the flesh of many produce items becomes much too hot even at relatively low cook times. I once suffered second degree burns during an encounter with a deceptively warm pineapple. I’ve found that the mathematical formula (which I cannot reproduce here, due to all of the necessary characters and Greek symbols not being available) only works for a cantelope. (Wait- I used the word “reproduce.” Get it- rePRODUCE.)
In any event, I post this because it’s much easier to buy a cantelope for most guys than to obtain a blood pressure sleeve. Now fuck that fruit with a smile!
P.S. I have copyrighted calling out “Heather! Heather!” while making love to a cantelope. Please use the name of another female if you wish to avoid receiving a nastygram from my attorney. Penalties for infringement can be severe.
PostingID: 80712647

Their’s another edition to the things you didn’t want to read category.
Enjoy, or don’t, as the case may be. lol.

Filed Under: humor, internet, weird and slightly deranged, wtf

things that make you go, ow? but are still goddamn funny.

November 10, 2011 by stickbear 3 Comments

so scrolling through my tweetstream, I run across this tweet.

about 9 minutes ago, Squeaka posted You sociopathic son of a bitch. I hope your testicles fall off and get run over by your own vehicle.

. so of course I had to retweet it while cackling histarically because the imagery was amusing. I retweeted it like this.

about 5 minutes ago, …I *was* hungry? RT @Squeakle1323: You sociopathic son of a bitch. I hope your testicles fall off and get run over by your own vehicle.

. Then followed it up with the following two tweets.

about 5 minutes ago, I don’t know weather to laugh, or cry in pain after my last RT, god. I get crushed nuts. but shiiiiit! lol.

about 4 minutes ago, anyone want *nuts* for breakfast, anyone?

bet you won’t think of nuts the same again. lol.

Filed Under: humor

6 Reasons The Guy Who's Fixing Your Computer Hates You

August 19, 2011 by stickbear Leave a Comment

The things I find in my e-mail. just, oh my god.
I needed this laugh.

From: James Homuth [mailto:[email protected]]
Sent: Friday, August 19, 2011 4:51 PM
Subject: 6 Reasons The Guy Who’s Fixing Your Computer Hates You
This was freaking amusing. And by freaking amusing, I mean you have no idea how much of this is actually true. Well, okay, so maybe 3 of you do. Because it’s two pages and has images that are of abso freaking lutely no use to folks without working eyes, I’m squishing this into one email. For the folks who need pictures, URL’s at the bottom.
6 Reasons The Guy Who’s Fixing Your Computer Hates You
By my calculations, about 96 percent of all computer repairs are done, not by the local computer guy or the Geek Squad, but by The Friend Who is Good With
Computers. Often that friend is nothing more than an average computer user who knows how to look up error messages on Google, but it doesn’t matter —
once they become known as TFWIGWC, they will get the call every time something goes wrong. And they will fix it, probably for free, because TFWIGWC pities
you.
Still, any time a bunch of
TFWIGWCs get together and share their computer repair horror stories,
you learn that there are certain things their “customers” do that make them want to ram their head through a wall.
So, before I touch your computer, friend who may or may not do me a favor in return for this free repair job, here’s what you should know:
#6. Future Computer Problems Are Not Automatically My Fault
This computer is yours. You know exactly who has used it. It is in its current condition without any outside interference, especially from me. I, on the
other hand, am about to spend several hours of my own time trying to get it back into the condition it was in before you or someone you love screwed it
up. So, two months down the line if I get a call from you, saying, “That program you installed messed up my computer.” I will beat you until it causes
hydrogen fusion. Or at least I will imagine myself doing it.
This is how it’s gonna go down, chief.
See, the vast majority of the computers I fix are broken because of some bullshit the owner has installed, like Weatherbug, or some program that changes
their cursor into an amusing animated kitten. Or, they’ve been playing some online flash game that just funnels in malware as fast as their connection
and processor will allow. While fixing your computer I will explain all of this, and talk about how an entire industry of malicious free downloads thrives
purely because so many Internet users are trusting souls like you. You believe all men are good at heart, especially on the Internet, so no amount of antivirus
warning popups will convince you that the people distributing “Wild Bill’s Poker Roundup” for free want anything but the best for you.
So, I go through and strip out the malware and toolbars and Trojans, then install protection like Malwarebytes or something like it to help block this type
of deceptive shit in the future. Then, two months later, I get that call:
“Yeah, I don’t know what you did to my computer when you were here but it’s so slow now that I can mow the lawn waiting for it to check my email. I need
you to undo whatever you did.”
At this point I will drive over, again, imagining myself slamming the owner’s dick in his own laptop. Five minutes after I arrive, this exchange will occur:
“Wait, where’s Spybot? The program I told you to leave on there?”
“I uninstalled that. It was messing up my computer. It wouldn’t let me play any of my games.”
But at least you have this fake scanner.
Yes, it was Spybot. Not the programs that I told you would cause the exact problems we’re looking at right now, you impossible dipsh- “Wait, where’s the
antivirus?”
“Oh, I got rid of that, too. My cousin was downloading music, and it wasn’t letting him open the files, so we had to get rid of it.”
“Sure, sure. Now, this is going to seem like an odd request, but for this next step, I’m going to need you to take out your dick, and lay it on your laptop’s
keyboard.”
Anywhere around the “G” key will do just fine.
#5. Expect One More Person for Dinner
“Wow, I didn’t think it would take that long,” you’ll say as I’m into hour two, removing eight months’ worth of stupid bullshit from your hard drive. “Is
it going to take much longer?”
Yes. It’s going to take much longer. Much, much, much longer. Probably. See, the thing is, I have no way of knowing how long it’s going to take me to find
the problem. That’s why before I came over here, I canceled all of my plans for the rest of the day.
The only reason I’m not punching you in the neck right now is because I know this ignorance isn’t your fault. Despite owning a computer and probably using
one at work, much of your knowledge comes from Hollywood, and Hollywood hasn’t got the slightest goddamn clue what they’re talking about. In movies, everything from hacking the Pentagon to creating Kelly LeBrock can be done in one flurry of keystrokes.
Oh, that reminds me, we’re going to need some bras.
In real life, the same symptoms could be the result of any of three billion different problems. Especially when the symptom is that the computer is “slow.”
Or when the thing you’re complaining about only happens once every two days, and never when I’m around. If it’s a result of the malicious software and
other bullshit I was just talking about, remember that it’s specifically designed to be hard to remove.
Half the time I’m going to wind up Googling for other people who’ve had the same problem, because none of the standard spyware removal tools will do it.
Half the time, my search will take me to a message board and I’ll find this:
________________________________
User: ComputerGuy
Posted: 8.1.11, 10:24 PM
Subject: Trojan, Malwarebytes and Combofix Don’t Detect It
Body: (Exact description of the same problem we’re having)
_________________________________
User: Admin
Posted: 8.1.11, 10:36 PM
Subject: Re: Trojan, Malwarebytes and Combofix Don’t Detect It
Body: (Request for more information, OS, HijackThis logs, etc)
_________________________________
User: ComputerGuy
Posted: 8.2.11, 8:15 AM
Subject: Re: Trojan, Malwarebytes and Combofix Don’t Detect It
Body: Never mind, I fixed it.
_________________________________
User: Admin
Posted: 8.2.11, 8:29 AM
Subject: Re: Trojan, Malwarebytes and Combofix Don’t Detect It
Body: Issue resolved. Thread locked.
_________________________________
OK, try it now.
You might notice me becoming steadily more frustrated as this process repeats itself eight or nine hundred more times. And you’re making it worse by being
the kid in the back seat who’s constantly asking, “Are we there yet?!” I want to make it clear: I have no problem whatsoever bending you over my knee and
spanking your ass until you shit blood. Go find a movie to watch, and I’ll let you know when it’s fixed.
#4. Assigning Blame Is Not a Priority
The subject of who is to blame for your screwed up computer is sure to come up. There are a couple of reasons — one, some people, usually douche bags,
live in a world where everything is somebody’s fault. The computer can’t just break. Somebody has to have broken it. Nothing “just happens,” right?
But other times it’s just that whoever’s computer I’m working on wants to make sure I know that they didn’t screw it up. It’s, “I told my son not to install
that Firefox thing.” Yes, Firefox broke your computer, not the 27 “free screensavers” websites that each came with their own toolbar, or the hundreds and
hundreds of sketchy porn sites.
“Yeah, but you were shopping on eBay the other day!”
But the focus here should not be on blame — I don’t want to hear how stupid your wife is. It needs to be on repair and preventative action, so that we
don’t have to go through this again. And by “we” I mean “I.” And, the thing is, there’s a good chance you’re not going to want to hear why your computer
is actually in this condition. At least not from me. Let me talk to your son in private, and you’ll be a much happier person. I’ve tried the direct route
with parents before about their teenage son’s porn use, and how he’s not old enough to know to keep to the reputable porn sites, and it never, ever ends
well.
“Bobby?! He wouldn’t do that. He’s a good kid.”
“Yep. He’s also a teenage boy with a volcano full of dick-related hormones that require an outlet.”
“OK, what’s the cup fo- OH MY GOD!”
“I know my son, and he wouldn’t. Maybe a hacker did it.”
“Yes. A hacker, out of the blue, decided to break into your computer and place temporary files onto the system in the hopes that a repairman would see them
and then report them to you. Evil hackers have it in for your son, and this is by far the best way to do it.”
But even that isn’t as bad as when there is no kid involved at all. Then I have to figure out which spouse has the poop fetish. Saying the wrong thing to
the wrong person can cause an instant rift in a marriage. But saying nothing at all means that the activity will continue the second I pull out of their
driveway. And a month later, I’ll be getting the blame for the computer’s relapse. “You know, eBay sure does have a lot of popups for shemale porn sites
these days.”
#3. Don’t Ask Me How to Make Your 10-Year-Old PC Faster
“I just bought this game, and my computer won’t run it. What’s wrong?”
If your computer is more than five or six years old, the answer is most likely going to be: “You need to buy a new one.” No, I can’t upgrade it, you bought
it at Wal-Mart and one reason you got it so cheap was that the motherboard has absolutely no place to add any components.
“Can’t you just put more memory in it?”
That long blue slot is your RAM slot. Most new computers have four or more.
Nope. All of your RAM slots are filled. Replacing the motherboard with one that has room for more RAM creates a domino effect where everything other than
your monitor, mouse and keyboard also has to be replaced. The hardware is obsolete, all of it, and it’s not my fault.
“Yeah but even the stuff I used to do runs slower.”
Yes, because you are using newer, updated versions of those programs and the people who make that software assume you are regularly upgrading your computer.
Each version of Microsoft Office is going to be more of a hog on your computer’s resources than the last one. Everybody makes their programs load on startup
because they assume you have vast stores of RAM to keep it in. See those six rows of icons down by your computer clock?
“OK, so here’s what we do: I sell my computer on eBay for a couple hundred bucks, and we buy the new system with that.”
Not so fast, Johnny Mnemonic. Your setup wouldn’t sell for a couple hundred bucks. It won’t sell for 10 bucks. Remember that “obsolete” thing I mentioned
earlier? That means that virtually nobody on the planet has any use for it. I don’t care that you paid $1,000 for it 10 years ago. Right now, it’s worth
less than the shipping and handling fees it would take to deliver it to your customer. Computers degrade in value at roughly the same rate as bananas.
How about instead of me buying those from you, you pay me to haul them off.
No, it’s not some huge scam on the part of the people who make computers and computer programs. And even if it is, I’m not in on it.
#2. Toolbars Are Bad News
I’ve used the word “toolbars” several times, and you’ll notice I use the word kind of like how you’d use the word “virus.” Toolbars are little strips that
get glued to the top of your browser, bearing some advertisement and a bunch of buttons that will probably take you to even more advertisements. When you
downloaded that free program that rotates pictures of your children on your desktop while playing inspirational songs, way down in the Terms and Conditions
it mentioned that the price of downloading that free program was that they got to stick a toolbar on your browser.
And when you download the next gadget, its toolbar will not replace the last one. It will glue itself to the other one, and the next will get stacked on
top of it. Eventually it will look like this:
The first thing I’m going to do when I start poking around on your machine is open Internet Explorer and Firefox, and the number of toolbars I find there
will tell me everything I need to know about the problems I’ll be encountering and what caused them. And I’m going to uninstall them all.
But I bring this to your attention because from now on, when you download anything, pause for a moment while you’re blindly and rapidly clicking “next”
on each window that pops up, and look for the word “toolbar” on the list of things they’re asking to cram onto your computer. Uncheck it if it will let
you. If it won’t, just bail out of the whole thing.
That “cancel” button is there for a reason. The program won’t be offended.
Even if you don’t mind viewing your Internet through a two-inch window at the bottom of your screen (maybe you like to pretend you’re seeing the world through
the slit of a knight’s helmet or something), a lot of these are malicious programs that track everything you do and, at random, will boot you out to some
site they control.
I’m also going to get rid of a lot of free programs that sounded really useful when you clicked on the banner ads offering them. Again, I don’t want to
lower your opinion of your fellow man, but “Registry Cleaner 5000” was, in fact, not cleaning your registry, it was spawning fake warnings to make you
go download more bullshit. Weatherbug will, in fact, tell you the temperature, while it’s spawning popup ads on your system. But there are other ways to
get that information.
#1. “Wipe” Means EVERYTHING
Worse has come to worst. I get to your place, and your PC is so screwed that it won’t even boot — not even in Safe Mode. Maybe you have a boot sector virus
or maybe some key files got corrupted, but one way or the other, our only troubleshooting option left is start over and do a clean install of your operating
system. With an exasperated sigh, you tell me, “Yeah, fine, just wipe it and start from scratch.” I ask if you’re sure because that means you’re about
to lose everything, since you did not keep backups. You say you know. You just want to start over.
Several hours later, all of the drivers are installed. Windows is up to date. You have a new antivirus. Your system is smoking fast (well, compared to what
it was). You can actually see a whole screen’s worth of Internet in your browser. It’s like new again.
You sit down, open up your browser and ask in horror, “Where’s my email? And all of my music?! And my pictures?!”
You just told me to wipe it. Did you not know what that means? Because when I said “lose everything,” I didn’t mean, “lose just the bad stuff.” I meant
every motherfucking thing. In some cases, this is a breakdown in communication. The person has heard a “computer guy” use the term “wipe” before, and they’re
just repeating it. Trying to connect with you by using terms you’re familiar with — even if they’re not. “Yeah, ‘wipe,’ like when you’re cleaning a window,
right? You wipe it off?”
Or, they figure I couldn’t have wiped everything because, look, Windows is still there. Hey, maybe that other stuff is still hiding somewhere, too!
No, Swordfish, you didn’t keep any of that important stuff on any kind of a backup drive, you kept it all on the exact same bit of hardware you have been
dragging through a shit gauntlet of adware, spyware and Trojans. So, you’re starting from scratch. Think of it as a second chance. A fresh start; to clean
up all off those bad habits, and to treat your computer like the crucial yet fragile tool that it is.
See you again in about three months.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-reasons-guy-whos-fixing-your-computer-hates-you/

Filed Under: humor

The Top 15 New Names for Windows.

July 7, 2011 by stickbear Leave a Comment

some of these are amusing!

There’s a rumor going around that Microsoft
is considering dropping the Windows name
for something “fresher” in the near
future as it consolidates its operating
systems for various types of devices.
So we threw caution to the (hurricane)
wind and came up with a few suggestions…
The Top 15 New Names for Windows
15. Microsoft WTF
14. DOS 1.0 Anniversary Edition
13. AppleSux 1000
12. iPay
11. Gorilla 800LB
10. Trap Doors
9. Computer Happy Fun Time No Crashy We Promise v9
8. OS Titanic
7. I Can’t Believe It’s Not OS-X!
6. Microsoft Winning!
5. Paneful OS
4. SoulEater
3. BluScreens
2. SkyNet
1. Microsoft Monopoly

Filed Under: humor

The Top 14 Revised Campaign Slogans for Anthony Weiner (Part II).

June 20, 2011 by stickbear 1 Comment

and here’s part 2 of what I posted
yesterday.

The Top 14 Revised Campaign Slogans for Anthony Weiner (Part II)
14. Don’t Dick Around, Vote Weiner
13. Undeniably Proven Not to Be Muslim
12. Weiner/Favre 2012
11. What You’ve Seen Is What You’ll Get
10. A Weiner Never Quits
9. Vote for a Stand-Up Guy
8. Vote Weiner at the Polls (and at HotOrNot.com)
7. Anthony Weiner: Like a Rock
6. Better Than Voting for Some Pussy
5. Fighting for the Working Stiffs
4. Weiner Has the Balls to Stand Up to Wall Street
3. Weiner: He’s Thrustworthy!
2. He *MAKES* 3am Phone Calls!
1. Anthony Weiner: Cumming to Change Washington

Filed Under: humor

The Top 20 Things You Should Never Do If Your Last Name Is Weiner

June 8, 2011 by stickbear 1 Comment

The things I find in my inbox.
thank god nun of my immediate/extended family has this last name.
Thanks krista for this one.

Top 20 Things You Should Never Do
If Your Last Name Is Weiner
20. Introduce yourself to an elementary school class.
19. “Just look at my license, I did not steal this car. I don’t
care what the people at Oscar Meyer say!”
18. Your motto: “Don’t fear the Weiner.”
17. Name any of your children Oscar, Meyer, Dick, Peter, Willie,
Harry, Seymour, Anita, Ivana or Rhoda.
16. Form a musical duo with Snoop Dogg.
15. Become a urologist and promote yourself as “Doctor Weiner,
the Weiner Doctor.”
14. Become a superhero: “Quick, WankerBoy — to the Weinermobile!”
13. Marry a feminist named Oscar, Little or Schnitzel.
12. Agree to be roasted.
11. Live the life of Spartacus, so that after you die, all your
buddies tearfully cry, “I am Weiner!”
10. Wear socks with sandals. It just looks stupid.
9. Refer to disciplining your child as “spanking my little
Weiner.”
8. Agree to be John Boehner’s running mate.
7. Become a partner in a law firm with Small, Johnson and Wang.
6. Use your name in vein.
5. Perform magic at your high school talent show as “The Amazing,
Astounding, Magnificent Weiner.”
4. Open a tattoo/piercing or massage/waxing business named after
yourself.
3. Co-sponsor meat-industry regulation bills with Barney Frank.
2. “This is America. If Disney can have a theme park, I can have
a theme park.”
1. Behave like one.
/blockquote>

Filed Under: humor

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