humor

This rolled across
a forum topic
on
the audiogames forum
and I was amused enough I had to post it here.

2,694 Reply by KenWDowney Today 17:05:03
KenWDowney
Galaxy stranger
OfflineRegistered: 2007-04-20
Posts: 37
User Karma: 2
Re: Swamp, zombie fps by AproneAre you suffering from PMS? Post mission syndrome can be discomforting at the least, and nearly deadly if allowed to progress untreated. Here are the top ten signs and symptoms.
10. You can’t play Swamp right now–so you write poetry about past glories instead!
9. Or write Aprone and the forum countless times, asking when the server will be back up, and begging him to please, please, please, please put it up soon. Then, before you can click submit, you go into a glorious dream and, as soo as you wake up, start begging Aprone to put grenades in, right away.
8. “What’s this aching pain below my abdomen?” you wonder. “Oh, yikes!” you shout, “I haven’t been to the bathroom in ages. Hope I remember how…”
7. You go to councelling when the server’s down, and complain that your life just isn’t complete anymore.
6. Wow! You have a family?
5. And friends too? Intriguing–but it’s time to shoot them like the zombies they are. (Bang! Babang!) What? They weren’t zombies? Oops
4. “What?” you find yourself moaning, “You mean, if I wanna go somewhere I have to get off my butt and walk? I miss the days when all I had to do was just hold down the button!”
3. “Where’s that crate!” you mutter, “I hear it pinging, but can’t find it–think it’s hiding in the sink, under all these dirty dishes.” (Clatter, crash, boom) “Nope, it was just the dripping faucet. Damn!
2. You’ve been sitting in SZ for hours now, and no one has so much as mentioned missions. Then, someone informs you that you are not at the safe zone at all, but in jail for shooting your family and friends!
1. The cops laugh at you when, disgusted with them, you press dash on an imaginary keyboard, aim with an imaginary mouse, and fire. You even make minigun sounds with your mouth, and nearly fait when nothing happens.

there you go.

I blame david.

Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.
The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was.
The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, “This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?”
“What exactly do you mean?” Emily asked.
“Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?” the teacher expounded.
After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, “I can’t really say, since I’ve never been ‘bolted’.”

so scrolling through my tweetstream, I run across this tweet.

about 9 minutes ago, Squeaka posted You sociopathic son of a bitch. I hope your testicles fall off and get run over by your own vehicle.

. so of course I had to retweet it while cackling histarically because the imagery was amusing. I retweeted it like this.

about 5 minutes ago, …I *was* hungry? RT @Squeakle1323: You sociopathic son of a bitch. I hope your testicles fall off and get run over by your own vehicle.

. Then followed it up with the following two tweets.

about 5 minutes ago, I don’t know weather to laugh, or cry in pain after my last RT, god. I get crushed nuts. but shiiiiit! lol.

about 4 minutes ago, anyone want *nuts* for breakfast, anyone?

bet you won’t think of nuts the same again. lol.

The things I find in my e-mail. just, oh my god.
I needed this laugh.

From: James Homuth [mailto:james@the-jdh.com]
Sent: Friday, August 19, 2011 4:51 PM
Subject: 6 Reasons The Guy Who’s Fixing Your Computer Hates You
This was freaking amusing. And by freaking amusing, I mean you have no idea how much of this is actually true. Well, okay, so maybe 3 of you do. Because it’s two pages and has images that are of abso freaking lutely no use to folks without working eyes, I’m squishing this into one email. For the folks who need pictures, URL’s at the bottom.
6 Reasons The Guy Who’s Fixing Your Computer Hates You
By my calculations, about 96 percent of all computer repairs are done, not by the local computer guy or the Geek Squad, but by The Friend Who is Good With
Computers. Often that friend is nothing more than an average computer user who knows how to look up error messages on Google, but it doesn’t matter —
once they become known as TFWIGWC, they will get the call every time something goes wrong. And they will fix it, probably for free, because TFWIGWC pities
you.
Still, any time a bunch of
TFWIGWCs get together and share their computer repair horror stories,
you learn that there are certain things their “customers” do that make them want to ram their head through a wall.
So, before I touch your computer, friend who may or may not do me a favor in return for this free repair job, here’s what you should know:
#6. Future Computer Problems Are Not Automatically My Fault
This computer is yours. You know exactly who has used it. It is in its current condition without any outside interference, especially from me. I, on the
other hand, am about to spend several hours of my own time trying to get it back into the condition it was in before you or someone you love screwed it
up. So, two months down the line if I get a call from you, saying, “That program you installed messed up my computer.” I will beat you until it causes
hydrogen fusion. Or at least I will imagine myself doing it.
This is how it’s gonna go down, chief.
See, the vast majority of the computers I fix are broken because of some bullshit the owner has installed, like Weatherbug, or some program that changes
their cursor into an amusing animated kitten. Or, they’ve been playing some online flash game that just funnels in malware as fast as their connection
and processor will allow. While fixing your computer I will explain all of this, and talk about how an entire industry of malicious free downloads thrives
purely because so many Internet users are trusting souls like you. You believe all men are good at heart, especially on the Internet, so no amount of antivirus
warning popups will convince you that the people distributing “Wild Bill’s Poker Roundup” for free want anything but the best for you.
So, I go through and strip out the malware and toolbars and Trojans, then install protection like Malwarebytes or something like it to help block this type
of deceptive shit in the future. Then, two months later, I get that call:
“Yeah, I don’t know what you did to my computer when you were here but it’s so slow now that I can mow the lawn waiting for it to check my email. I need
you to undo whatever you did.”
At this point I will drive over, again, imagining myself slamming the owner’s dick in his own laptop. Five minutes after I arrive, this exchange will occur:
“Wait, where’s Spybot? The program I told you to leave on there?”
“I uninstalled that. It was messing up my computer. It wouldn’t let me play any of my games.”
But at least you have this fake scanner.
Yes, it was Spybot. Not the programs that I told you would cause the exact problems we’re looking at right now, you impossible dipsh- “Wait, where’s the
antivirus?”
“Oh, I got rid of that, too. My cousin was downloading music, and it wasn’t letting him open the files, so we had to get rid of it.”
“Sure, sure. Now, this is going to seem like an odd request, but for this next step, I’m going to need you to take out your dick, and lay it on your laptop’s
keyboard.”
Anywhere around the “G” key will do just fine.
#5. Expect One More Person for Dinner
“Wow, I didn’t think it would take that long,” you’ll say as I’m into hour two, removing eight months’ worth of stupid bullshit from your hard drive. “Is
it going to take much longer?”
Yes. It’s going to take much longer. Much, much, much longer. Probably. See, the thing is, I have no way of knowing how long it’s going to take me to find
the problem. That’s why before I came over here, I canceled all of my plans for the rest of the day.
The only reason I’m not punching you in the neck right now is because I know this ignorance isn’t your fault. Despite owning a computer and probably using
one at work, much of your knowledge comes from Hollywood, and Hollywood hasn’t got the slightest goddamn clue what they’re talking about. In movies, everything from hacking the Pentagon to creating Kelly LeBrock can be done in one flurry of keystrokes.
Oh, that reminds me, we’re going to need some bras.
In real life, the same symptoms could be the result of any of three billion different problems. Especially when the symptom is that the computer is “slow.”
Or when the thing you’re complaining about only happens once every two days, and never when I’m around. If it’s a result of the malicious software and
other bullshit I was just talking about, remember that it’s specifically designed to be hard to remove.
Half the time I’m going to wind up Googling for other people who’ve had the same problem, because none of the standard spyware removal tools will do it.
Half the time, my search will take me to a message board and I’ll find this:
________________________________
User: ComputerGuy
Posted: 8.1.11, 10:24 PM
Subject: Trojan, Malwarebytes and Combofix Don’t Detect It
Body: (Exact description of the same problem we’re having)
_________________________________
User: Admin
Posted: 8.1.11, 10:36 PM
Subject: Re: Trojan, Malwarebytes and Combofix Don’t Detect It
Body: (Request for more information, OS, HijackThis logs, etc)
_________________________________
User: ComputerGuy
Posted: 8.2.11, 8:15 AM
Subject: Re: Trojan, Malwarebytes and Combofix Don’t Detect It
Body: Never mind, I fixed it.
_________________________________
User: Admin
Posted: 8.2.11, 8:29 AM
Subject: Re: Trojan, Malwarebytes and Combofix Don’t Detect It
Body: Issue resolved. Thread locked.
_________________________________
OK, try it now.
You might notice me becoming steadily more frustrated as this process repeats itself eight or nine hundred more times. And you’re making it worse by being
the kid in the back seat who’s constantly asking, “Are we there yet?!” I want to make it clear: I have no problem whatsoever bending you over my knee and
spanking your ass until you shit blood. Go find a movie to watch, and I’ll let you know when it’s fixed.
#4. Assigning Blame Is Not a Priority
The subject of who is to blame for your screwed up computer is sure to come up. There are a couple of reasons — one, some people, usually douche bags,
live in a world where everything is somebody’s fault. The computer can’t just break. Somebody has to have broken it. Nothing “just happens,” right?
But other times it’s just that whoever’s computer I’m working on wants to make sure I know that they didn’t screw it up. It’s, “I told my son not to install
that Firefox thing.” Yes, Firefox broke your computer, not the 27 “free screensavers” websites that each came with their own toolbar, or the hundreds and
hundreds of sketchy porn sites.
“Yeah, but you were shopping on eBay the other day!”
But the focus here should not be on blame — I don’t want to hear how stupid your wife is. It needs to be on repair and preventative action, so that we
don’t have to go through this again. And by “we” I mean “I.” And, the thing is, there’s a good chance you’re not going to want to hear why your computer
is actually in this condition. At least not from me. Let me talk to your son in private, and you’ll be a much happier person. I’ve tried the direct route
with parents before about their teenage son’s porn use, and how he’s not old enough to know to keep to the reputable porn sites, and it never, ever ends
well.
“Bobby?! He wouldn’t do that. He’s a good kid.”
“Yep. He’s also a teenage boy with a volcano full of dick-related hormones that require an outlet.”
“OK, what’s the cup fo- OH MY GOD!”
“I know my son, and he wouldn’t. Maybe a hacker did it.”
“Yes. A hacker, out of the blue, decided to break into your computer and place temporary files onto the system in the hopes that a repairman would see them
and then report them to you. Evil hackers have it in for your son, and this is by far the best way to do it.”
But even that isn’t as bad as when there is no kid involved at all. Then I have to figure out which spouse has the poop fetish. Saying the wrong thing to
the wrong person can cause an instant rift in a marriage. But saying nothing at all means that the activity will continue the second I pull out of their
driveway. And a month later, I’ll be getting the blame for the computer’s relapse. “You know, eBay sure does have a lot of popups for shemale porn sites
these days.”
#3. Don’t Ask Me How to Make Your 10-Year-Old PC Faster
“I just bought this game, and my computer won’t run it. What’s wrong?”
If your computer is more than five or six years old, the answer is most likely going to be: “You need to buy a new one.” No, I can’t upgrade it, you bought
it at Wal-Mart and one reason you got it so cheap was that the motherboard has absolutely no place to add any components.
“Can’t you just put more memory in it?”
That long blue slot is your RAM slot. Most new computers have four or more.
Nope. All of your RAM slots are filled. Replacing the motherboard with one that has room for more RAM creates a domino effect where everything other than
your monitor, mouse and keyboard also has to be replaced. The hardware is obsolete, all of it, and it’s not my fault.
“Yeah but even the stuff I used to do runs slower.”
Yes, because you are using newer, updated versions of those programs and the people who make that software assume you are regularly upgrading your computer.
Each version of Microsoft Office is going to be more of a hog on your computer’s resources than the last one. Everybody makes their programs load on startup
because they assume you have vast stores of RAM to keep it in. See those six rows of icons down by your computer clock?
“OK, so here’s what we do: I sell my computer on eBay for a couple hundred bucks, and we buy the new system with that.”
Not so fast, Johnny Mnemonic. Your setup wouldn’t sell for a couple hundred bucks. It won’t sell for 10 bucks. Remember that “obsolete” thing I mentioned
earlier? That means that virtually nobody on the planet has any use for it. I don’t care that you paid $1,000 for it 10 years ago. Right now, it’s worth
less than the shipping and handling fees it would take to deliver it to your customer. Computers degrade in value at roughly the same rate as bananas.
How about instead of me buying those from you, you pay me to haul them off.
No, it’s not some huge scam on the part of the people who make computers and computer programs. And even if it is, I’m not in on it.
#2. Toolbars Are Bad News
I’ve used the word “toolbars” several times, and you’ll notice I use the word kind of like how you’d use the word “virus.” Toolbars are little strips that
get glued to the top of your browser, bearing some advertisement and a bunch of buttons that will probably take you to even more advertisements. When you
downloaded that free program that rotates pictures of your children on your desktop while playing inspirational songs, way down in the Terms and Conditions
it mentioned that the price of downloading that free program was that they got to stick a toolbar on your browser.
And when you download the next gadget, its toolbar will not replace the last one. It will glue itself to the other one, and the next will get stacked on
top of it. Eventually it will look like this:
The first thing I’m going to do when I start poking around on your machine is open Internet Explorer and Firefox, and the number of toolbars I find there
will tell me everything I need to know about the problems I’ll be encountering and what caused them. And I’m going to uninstall them all.
But I bring this to your attention because from now on, when you download anything, pause for a moment while you’re blindly and rapidly clicking “next”
on each window that pops up, and look for the word “toolbar” on the list of things they’re asking to cram onto your computer. Uncheck it if it will let
you. If it won’t, just bail out of the whole thing.
That “cancel” button is there for a reason. The program won’t be offended.
Even if you don’t mind viewing your Internet through a two-inch window at the bottom of your screen (maybe you like to pretend you’re seeing the world through
the slit of a knight’s helmet or something), a lot of these are malicious programs that track everything you do and, at random, will boot you out to some
site they control.
I’m also going to get rid of a lot of free programs that sounded really useful when you clicked on the banner ads offering them. Again, I don’t want to
lower your opinion of your fellow man, but “Registry Cleaner 5000” was, in fact, not cleaning your registry, it was spawning fake warnings to make you
go download more bullshit. Weatherbug will, in fact, tell you the temperature, while it’s spawning popup ads on your system. But there are other ways to
get that information.
#1. “Wipe” Means EVERYTHING
Worse has come to worst. I get to your place, and your PC is so screwed that it won’t even boot — not even in Safe Mode. Maybe you have a boot sector virus
or maybe some key files got corrupted, but one way or the other, our only troubleshooting option left is start over and do a clean install of your operating
system. With an exasperated sigh, you tell me, “Yeah, fine, just wipe it and start from scratch.” I ask if you’re sure because that means you’re about
to lose everything, since you did not keep backups. You say you know. You just want to start over.
Several hours later, all of the drivers are installed. Windows is up to date. You have a new antivirus. Your system is smoking fast (well, compared to what
it was). You can actually see a whole screen’s worth of Internet in your browser. It’s like new again.
You sit down, open up your browser and ask in horror, “Where’s my email? And all of my music?! And my pictures?!”
You just told me to wipe it. Did you not know what that means? Because when I said “lose everything,” I didn’t mean, “lose just the bad stuff.” I meant
every motherfucking thing. In some cases, this is a breakdown in communication. The person has heard a “computer guy” use the term “wipe” before, and they’re
just repeating it. Trying to connect with you by using terms you’re familiar with — even if they’re not. “Yeah, ‘wipe,’ like when you’re cleaning a window,
right? You wipe it off?”
Or, they figure I couldn’t have wiped everything because, look, Windows is still there. Hey, maybe that other stuff is still hiding somewhere, too!
No, Swordfish, you didn’t keep any of that important stuff on any kind of a backup drive, you kept it all on the exact same bit of hardware you have been
dragging through a shit gauntlet of adware, spyware and Trojans. So, you’re starting from scratch. Think of it as a second chance. A fresh start; to clean
up all off those bad habits, and to treat your computer like the crucial yet fragile tool that it is.
See you again in about three months.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-reasons-guy-whos-fixing-your-computer-hates-you/

some of these are amusing!

There’s a rumor going around that Microsoft
is considering dropping the Windows name
for something “fresher” in the near
future as it consolidates its operating
systems for various types of devices.
So we threw caution to the (hurricane)
wind and came up with a few suggestions…
The Top 15 New Names for Windows
15. Microsoft WTF
14. DOS 1.0 Anniversary Edition
13. AppleSux 1000
12. iPay
11. Gorilla 800LB
10. Trap Doors
9. Computer Happy Fun Time No Crashy We Promise v9
8. OS Titanic
7. I Can’t Believe It’s Not OS-X!
6. Microsoft Winning!
5. Paneful OS
4. SoulEater
3. BluScreens
2. SkyNet
1. Microsoft Monopoly

and here’s part 2 of what I posted
yesterday.

The Top 14 Revised Campaign Slogans for Anthony Weiner (Part II)
14. Don’t Dick Around, Vote Weiner
13. Undeniably Proven Not to Be Muslim
12. Weiner/Favre 2012
11. What You’ve Seen Is What You’ll Get
10. A Weiner Never Quits
9. Vote for a Stand-Up Guy
8. Vote Weiner at the Polls (and at HotOrNot.com)
7. Anthony Weiner: Like a Rock
6. Better Than Voting for Some Pussy
5. Fighting for the Working Stiffs
4. Weiner Has the Balls to Stand Up to Wall Street
3. Weiner: He’s Thrustworthy!
2. He *MAKES* 3am Phone Calls!
1. Anthony Weiner: Cumming to Change Washington

The things I find in my inbox.
thank god nun of my immediate/extended family has this last name.
Thanks krista for this one.

Top 20 Things You Should Never Do
If Your Last Name Is Weiner
20. Introduce yourself to an elementary school class.
19. “Just look at my license, I did not steal this car. I don’t
care what the people at Oscar Meyer say!”
18. Your motto: “Don’t fear the Weiner.”
17. Name any of your children Oscar, Meyer, Dick, Peter, Willie,
Harry, Seymour, Anita, Ivana or Rhoda.
16. Form a musical duo with Snoop Dogg.
15. Become a urologist and promote yourself as “Doctor Weiner,
the Weiner Doctor.”
14. Become a superhero: “Quick, WankerBoy — to the Weinermobile!”
13. Marry a feminist named Oscar, Little or Schnitzel.
12. Agree to be roasted.
11. Live the life of Spartacus, so that after you die, all your
buddies tearfully cry, “I am Weiner!”
10. Wear socks with sandals. It just looks stupid.
9. Refer to disciplining your child as “spanking my little
Weiner.”
8. Agree to be John Boehner’s running mate.
7. Become a partner in a law firm with Small, Johnson and Wang.
6. Use your name in vein.
5. Perform magic at your high school talent show as “The Amazing,
Astounding, Magnificent Weiner.”
4. Open a tattoo/piercing or massage/waxing business named after
yourself.
3. Co-sponsor meat-industry regulation bills with Barney Frank.
2. “This is America. If Disney can have a theme park, I can have
a theme park.”
1. Behave like one.
/blockquote>