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the blog of a bear

this is where a bear will post stuff.

humour

repost from an external source: A Professional Apology from your Web Host.

March 20, 2013 by stickbear Leave a Comment

the following was originally
over here
and is reposted here, because it’s absolutely funny.

A Professional Apology from your Web Host
So like. Ok check this out. We have this big data center right? And this big data center is like really big and stuff, and it uses a lot of this power stuff. Well like ok so you know when you have really important stuff like I dunno your computer or your Xbox or something and if the power goes out you want to keep it from just suddenly turning off right? Cause there’s nothing worse than when the power goes out during a game of Call of Duty and it’s like “Oh Crap man I was just about to win and shit just got real and the hell?”
So you plug it in to this thing like a UPS or something kinda like the dudes that deliver packages and I always have to sign for shit. I mean it’s no big deal anyways since I don’t work during the day and deliver pizzas at night and the UPS guy is always here around 2:30 or so. Oh yeah. So ok About that.
So our really big data center is supposed to have a UPS which it does… I think. But apparently like ok so some squirrel was like chewing on the wires again and it’s like “stop it damnit”, but anyways. So this squirrel is all up there omnomnoming the wires, and like zap! The squirrel is now like a McSquirrel or something which probably wouldn’t taste good even with cheese and mayo, but like the power got all funny and the data center went pop and apparently the UPS was never plugged in cause Joe was like all like “Dude I’ll do it tomorrow.”
So now our customers like can’t run their websites and stuff which sucks because now the world is all like “Omfg where’s all the websites with cat pictures”, and some 15-year-old can’t see lolcats or something and kills himself and then it’s like on the news abouthow we really fucked up and the headline is all like I Can has funeral and everyone laughs but it’s a real dick move.
So we’re trying to fix it, but it’s like difficult and we think we got it so we want to apologize if your site wasn’t working but it should work now so don’t cancel your service. We promise this won’t happen again. Until next week.

yeah, that’s so
dream host
as seen
over here
and why I’ll not go back to them again. Nice and stable, right? /sarc/

Filed Under: amusement, humor, humour

best divorce letter ever.

October 5, 2012 by stickbear 2 Comments

this rocks.
blockquote>
BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.
I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last
2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping–Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed
$50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone..
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Filed Under: humor, humour

signs you might be from new york.

September 22, 2012 by stickbear Leave a Comment

This landed in my inbox.
Comment away!

Expect more stuff like this in future.
From: “Thomas S. Ellsworth”
Subject: GCF: Signs You Might Be From New York City
Date: 13 September, 2012 8:04:53 PM EDT
To: [email protected]
Reply-To: [email protected]
Signs You Might Be From New York City
You’re 35 years old and don’t have a driver’s license.
You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there
are seats available.
You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform
the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.
You know what a “regular” coffee is.
It’s not Manhattan…… It’s the “city”.
There is no north and south. It’s “uptown” or “downtown.” If you’re
really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where north
and south are…. And east or west is “crosstown.”
You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars
for not respecting your right to do it.
You move 3,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language
and people still know you’re from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.
You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a “real”
pizza and a “real” bagel.
A 500 square foot apartment is large.
You know the differences between all the different Ray’s pizzas.
You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would
be able to actually understand a P.A. Announcement on the subway.
You wouldn’t bother ordering pizza in any other city.
You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the
major food groups which are: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.
You’re not the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New
Year’s Eve.
Your internal clock is permanently set to know when alternate side of
the street parking regulations are in effect.
Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.
You pay “only” $230 a month to park your car.
The presidential visit is a major traffic jam, not an honor.
You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.
The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it’s a beer.

Filed Under: humour

>the computer

December 26, 2006 by stickbear Leave a Comment

>Now this is what i call funny!
enjoy!

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.
The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.
Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: “My name is Santa…the last name is Claus.”
The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
“This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen.”
With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to “think”;
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.
Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
“Your eyes – how they twinkle – your dimples so merry,
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,
Your smile – all these things, I’ve been programmed to know,
And at data – recall, I am more than so – so;
But your name and your address (computers can’t lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.
You’ve a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you laugh like a bowlful of jelly;
My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you’re not in my program, you cannot exist!”
Old Santa just chuckled a merry “ho, ho”,
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this “data” to the machine:
“Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone’s cheer;
But you won’t get anything – that’s plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me.”
Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
“Merry Christmas to All” as he pulled out the plug.

Filed Under: general ranting, humour

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