a sadder update

It’s just after 4AM as I sit and write this.
On tonight’s show I played a song I thought I cuold handle, but it turned out I couldn’t.
The song was josh groban’s to where you are.
It brought back the memory of tracey, who died, god rest her soul, of a fatal gunshot wound back in late september of this year.
Her and I were so close, she meant so much to me.
I keep asking myself, what if things had been different, what if we left a little later, would she still be alive?
Their aren’t words to describe what she meant to me.
She was everything to me, we just clicked, we made each other so happy in so many different ways.
Even when I felt like seven layers of hell she was right their, my red headed companion to make me feel happy again.
Even everyone in the online community that she spoke to and who interacted with me at the same time saw a marked change in my attitude.
I was happy, I had a new lease on life!
That day in september really killed me, really shook my trust in loving someone.
Those who have dated me are probably gonna tell me how much of a god damn ass I am and so on but if you don’t like what I’ve got to say, your welcome to stop reading.
Losing Tracey was like losing apart of me, it was like someone took a spoon and scoopped my insides out and threw them away.
I’ll be brutily honest and point blank with everyone, I have never totally recovered from it, and probably never will. everyone thinks I’ve moved on but the sad and hard truth is that I still remember, I lie awake at night unable to sleep and cry because I miss her so much. She meant the world to me, she never needed to die that way. Nobody deserves to die that way.
She was the person I turned to when I needed a sholder to cry on, she held me at night when I felt everyone else had abandoned me. she kept me from taking the easy way out more times then I care to count.
Their’s really only two other people that come close to being what tracey was to me


you both have done so much for me and I thank you so much for being their and making me see that I can still move on, even though it’s so damn hard to.
well I’m getting tired fingers, an di need to find something to eat.
sorry for the sadder entry.
talk soon with hopefully something more happy to write about.

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