You learn interesting things from blogs. wesput an entry out on histwitterthat pointed tothis entry about anal sexand being a curious individual, I headed back to the blog’shome pageand was scrolling through entries, and ran acrossthis entry about infidelityand was impressed about what I read. I’m going to quote the entry in it’s entirety because I feel a few x gf’s of mine that read this blog can bennifit from this entries wisdom and it might help them in the future.
Can you overcome infidelity?
I had a question about this from a reader today and I have to say that I’m not a therapist or a marriage counselor..they would still be your first resource. However, I will give you my thoughts about this.
I think the the old adage of “once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t true. I do believe that we are capable of monogamy. I also believe that women and men cheat about the same, although the stereotype is that men are always the ones committing the infidelities. I think that women cheating is on the rise, because women are out in the job market more than they have ever been. They are now encountering more men and interacting with other males in higher numbers…this has lead to an increase in women cheating. So, no longer can we point the finger at the men only!
I believe that almost every long term relationship will encounter infidelity at some point. The degree of infidelity may vary…maybe its a blow job…or a kiss..or sexting or full on sex. Maybe its emotional infidelity. We have reached a technological age that our grandparents didn’t have available, so the thought of a modern day marriage lasting 50 years without either partner cheating in some way seems almost inconceivable. However, do I think it has to be the kiss of death to the marriage? NO…
I think if your partner has cheated, be it the man or woman, the first thing to do is look at how you found out. Did they confess it to you, out of remorse and guilt? Did you catch them fucking in your bed? Was it a drunken night out that got out of hand, or was it serial infidelity that has been going on long term and repeatedly? The answer to those questions will clue you in on if your relationship can survive the infidelity or not. If your partner confesses to you, then I’d say there is hope for your relationship. If you catch them fucking in your bed, probably not. If its a one time incident where things got out of hand and alcohol was involved, again there may be hope. If they are a serial cheater and you’ve caught them numerous times..then its probably time to cut your losses.
I’m going to use the man as the cheater in my post, because the reader today was asking me about her husband..however, the advice applies to both sexes and I don’t want to imply that this article is to bash men.
So, lets look at the scenario where I think your marriage could survive and maybe even come out stronger in the long run. Say your partner has cheated…they confess the infidelity to you and tell you what happened. Okay, that is good that they are remorseful, it shows that they are aware their actions have dire consequences. The fact that they are willing to discuss with you how it happened, again shows that they are seeking your forgiveness. I think these all show that your partner made a huge mistake and is truly sorry for it. The one thing you need to do is get to the bottom of why it happened. This may mean you will hear things that you don’t want to hear…because cheating is almost never just about sex. Its about a lack of connection, communication, love, or affection…its about not feeling heard or appreciated…usually the last thing its about is gettin’ some strange cock or pussy.
Once you find out what the root of the problem is, then you can address how to fix that…in addition to the broken trust. Trust is such a hard thing to get back once its broken. Don’t expect to confess to your partner and then get pissed the next week when she grills you about where you’re going and when you’ll be back…trust has to be earned back once its broken and you have to realize that it will take time. That being said you also have to look into yourself and see if you can truly forgive. By forgiving, I mean letting go of the image of your partner with another person…letting go of your anger and resentment…of not throwing it up in their face at every fight. Forgiveness is truly more important for YOU than your partner, because holding onto those feelings will only bring stress and negativity into YOUR life. If you think you can reach that point where you have forgiven your partner then of course, move in the direction of healing your relationship. However, if you don’t think you can ever forgive them or see them the same way…then it may be time to realize that you can’t stay in an unhealthy relationship, and if your relationship continues under those conditions it WILL be unhealthy for both of you.
I think that there is a place for marriage counselors and therapists and if you want to truly mend your relationship then look into seeing someone that can be a neutral 3rd party to help you work out why it happened and help you release your feelings of anger and hurt in a productive way. I know that we all have a knee jerk reaction to someone cheating on us…its anger, hurt, jealousy and fear. You fear that you are going to lose your partner, that life will change forever…that is a big fear. It may or may not come true, but you can’t live your life based on fear. Fear freezes you in place…and if you are going to move beyond an infidelity and become a better couple then you have to take steps away from fear and towards healing.
One of the hardest things to overcome in a relationship…in my opinion…is a lack of respect. If your partner has no respect for you then they won’t care about hurting your feelings. They won’t care about your embarrassment or anger. They will feel that they can do as they wish and you’ll do nothing about it because they have the “upper hand” in the relationship. A lack of respect is worse than a lack of trust in my eyes. Trust can be rebuilt over time, someone that doesn’t respect you will probably never respect you. So, look at a partner that has cheated multiple times…why don’t they just leave you? If they want to behave like they are single then what is keeping them from being single? If you look at that you may see that you are being USED. You are being used to watch the children, or bring home a paycheck. You are being used and they could care less about anything but you serving their purpose.
This is a relationship that you should really consider if you wouldn’t be better off on your own than in a toxic and hurtful relationship. Again, don’t let fear freeze you in place…move forward toward what you deserve, a loving and committed relationship, but first you need to let go of the one holding you back. So, although it doesn’t seem like it…sometimes infidelity is a good thing, because it opens our eyes to what we try to not see. It is a catalyst that causes us to act when nothing else would.
I think that affairs/infidelity/cheating hurts. It hurts your true partner, it hurts the person you’re cheating with, it hurts your integrity and values. I think there is no good that comes from cheating and if you are ever on that edge, instead of stepping off, turn around and go back. Go to your partner and talk to them truthfully about what you need and what. Talk to them about what you’re missing in your relationship. Try to make the relationship you are in the one you want. Its easier to fix it now than it is after you’ve cheated. So, take a deep breath and realize temptation is all around us, but we don’t have to give in to it. We can rise above..we can stand our ground and realize that you can choose to make a good decision or a bad one. The consequences of that decision will reverberate through your life…so stop…STOP and really think if its worth it.
I want nothing more for any of my readers than to have wonderful, loving and happy relationships. I want you to get what you need, want and deserve from your partner. But, I know that life is rarely perfect and the road is never smooth that we travel. However, you can look within and see the person you want to be, and the relationship you want to have and strive towards it. It is within your reach, you just have to be willing to put in the work, the time, the communication and commitment to make it all you deserve.
That’s my wisdom for the night. later, all.