lots of humor

welcome

Hello dear blog reader,
i hope this entry serves as to proove that i am still here, all of this is humor and i hope you enjoy.I’ll post something personal in the next few days.
The following is a bunch of humor thanks to a friend of mine. Each series is findable using heading level 2 navigation.
Please note i have not edited for formatting or spelling in any of these, just aded navigational aids.
enjoy!

50 Fun Things to do in a Mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream “MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!”
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King…
9. …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re “astronaut food”.
10. Follow patrons of D. Balton’s around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?”
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture”.
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, “I see London, I see France…”
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play “Jesus Built My Hotrod”.
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will “give you a really wicked buzz”.
35. Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have “any giant crap made out of straw”.
36. “Toast” plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39. Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing “Saved by the Bell”. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling “scratch one flattop!”
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leakproof”.
42. “Play” the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.
45. If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.”
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.”
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.

50 things to do at walmart when bored

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day.
4. Don’t bother doing your own shopping. Simply find someone with a full trolley containing roughly the items you need, and when they are not looking take it and go pay for it at the checkout. (this is not stealing, they did not own the items yet, they were simply ‘moving them around’)
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses. (be creative with the gift-wrap tubes used in point 6).
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I
think we’ve got a code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.
12. Re-enact a fatal incident involving the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi. I haven’t seen
you in so long.” etc. See if they play along. Insist on calling them ‘Bob’, and if they protest, get angry about it (violent if necissary).
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap anyway?!”
15. When you leave the store, try your car keys in the door of every car in the car park until you get to your own. Then drive off as if this is perfectly normal. (Note- if you don’t actually own a car and walked to the store, attempt the above by substituting car keys with your house keys).
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
18. Ask if you can test some super-glue before buying it, then walk around the store gluing random items to other items/customers/staff. For added fun: See how many cashiers you can glue to each-other before any of them notice.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say “BEEP” in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items. If the cashier protests, kill them.
20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn’t buy it there say “The customer is always right dammit!!” Make a scene.
21. Move “Caution : Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
“I’m Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave.”
26. Climb things.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello”
upside down. Once you have mastered this, progress to “boobs”.
29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling “Red Rover.”
31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples). Do a vague hand-mime of what a ‘Shnerple’ looks like to assist them.
32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.
33. Take bets on the battle from above.
34. Test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics on all the live animals in Pet-Care.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as
possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags against their will.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies.”
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo.
43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s using an alternative alphabet of your choosing.
45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly place random combinations of items in their cart, such as ‘A Large Cucumber and a Tub of Vasceline’.
47. Relax in the patio furniture drinking beer until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, “No, no, its those voices again.”
49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don’t get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

100 things to do in an elivator!

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Shake the person’s hand when he/she enter the lift.
3. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
4. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you just shut UP!”.
6. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
7. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
8. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
9. Shave.
10. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
11. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
12. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off
13. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
14. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
15. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
16. One word: Flatulence!
17. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
18. Do Tai Chi exercises.
19. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
20. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, motion sickness!”
21. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
22. Meow occasionally.
23. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
24. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
25. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
26. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
27. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
28. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
29. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
30. Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
31. Leave a box between the doors.
32. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
33. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
34. Start a sing-along.
35. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
36. Play the harmonica.
37. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
38. Lean against the button panel.
39. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
40. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
41. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
42. Bring a chair along.
43. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
44. Blow spit bubbles.
45. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
46. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
47. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
48. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
49. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
50. Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
51. Announce to the person stood next to you “I really need the toilet. Can I use your bag?”
52. Ask the other passengers “Wouldn’t be great if this lift were to plumment to the floor, what do you think will happen?”
53. Petend to get your leg stuck in the door as it closes
53. Without letting anyone see, press the emergency stop button. Act surprised and start talking to yourself “its ok, it wasnt your fault you killed your family. It was SATAN, damm you SATAN! DAMN YOU!!!” Then press the stop button again and act as if nothing has happened.
54. Scratch yourself excessively saying “****ing headlice. They’re all over me. I knew I shouldn’t have played with that dog so much”
55. Set out a pinic set on the floor and suggest to the other passengers to join you in afternoon tea
56. Break wind and blame it on the person next to you
57. Pretend your are a repair man here to fix the lift. Wait untill its busy and tell everyone to get out of the lift. You get in, get your paper out and sit and relax
58. Start to talk about your sexlife. Tell them that all of your three children were concived in this very lift. And point and say “it was up against that wall”
59. Have sex with your imaginary friend
60. Say you have just won the lottery and you are on your way to collect your winnings. See how many people are listening to you
61. As the lift descends, shout “Bombs away!”
62. Offer to polish their shoes. When they say no, tell them you need the money to feed your ten starving children back home in Estonia
63. Hand out leaflets – “what to do when the lift cable breaks. The ten tips that will keep your body in one pice (although these tips will not save your life, it will make the rescue a bit cleaner, and we wont have to spend ages cleaning the blood of the walls) Hope you will live to do it again!”
64. Perform a striptease
65. Act surprised when it starts to move and say “THE GROUND IS FALLING!”
66. Fake an orgasam when the lift starts to move. Announce that it was your best ever
67. Let your mobile phone ring – dont anwser it.
68. Walk in to the lift with a clear bottle of apple juice. Start drinking and say “ah, theres nothing like your own urine to quench your first. Does anyone want some?”
69. Say “this new g-sring is really starting to hurt.” Then attempt to adjust it.
70. Walk into the lift and say “this reminds me of being burried alive. Ah those were the days”
71. Suggest to the other passengers that you all should play a game of twister. Then get out the board and lie it on the floor
72. Paint the walls of the lift.
73. On entering, ask the passengers if they want to be your friend. Burst into tears if they say no.
74. Stop the lift and say “twenty years in prison for murdering the whole family, and I get stuck in a lift after being out for two hours. Just my luck!”
75. Get back to nature – go in naked
76. Pretend to be the pilot of the lift, speach into a headset “this is lift number 1, ready for decent to 1st floor. Waiting for permission to depart, over”
77. Announce in a computer like voice “this lift will self destruct in 5 4 3 2 …..oh heres my floor”
78. Serve tea and coffee
79. Take shoes off before entering, Look shocked and disgusted when the others dont
80. Act like the sergent of the lift. Order people around. Tell them to get in line.
81. Suggest to the other people that your should play musical statues. Bring a tape recorder along too
82. Teach the people french. Dont let them leave till they get it right
83. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get enmotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
84. Insist, the lift ride costs £2.50
85. Describe in detail, how you’re “hung like a horse”
86. Pretend to be a flight attendant (particularly affective if you are dressed like one), instruct the passengers on what to do in an emergency
87. Yodel
88. Bring out a magnifying glass, closey inspect the other passengers skin and say “ooh, look at your pores”
89. Sing “I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves” Over and over again.
90. Ask the others “Do you mind if I do my eminem impression?”, then bring out a chainsaw and a mask.
91. Try breakdancing
92. Bring out a fake toy gun and shout to the person next to you “you lookin’ at me?”
93. Challenge the guy stood next to you to a “thumb war”.
94. Explain your ideas of world domination to the wall.
95. Force people to read to Kama Sutra while asking “do you wanna try this one?”
96. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce “it is time…”
97. Pretend to see a spider, repeatedly and violently stamp on the floor while screaming “Die you bastard, die DIIEEE!”
98. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “Hide it…quick!” then whistle innocently.
99. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
100. Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

101 Fun Things to Do at Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I
think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what
happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
and turn the volumes to “10?.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen
you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid
embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this junk,
anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re
taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from
the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying,”…I’m Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello”
upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
“Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any
Shnerples here?”
31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
32. Take bets on the battle described above.
33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
“Mission: Impossible.”
35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him ” I
need some tampons!!”
36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies?”
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the
restrooms
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those
voices again!”
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain
that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little
umbrella in it.
51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice
possible “sex and candy”
52. Try putting different pairs of women’s panties on your
head and walk around the store casually.
53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the
mannequins.
54. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.
57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes.
(Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act
as spastic as possible.
59. While no one’s watching quickly switch the men’s and
women’s signs on the doors of the rest room.
60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch
everyone’s jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
61. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with
various funnels.
62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
through, say things like “the fat man walks alone,” and scare
them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you
and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is
breaking up with you and you begin crying “How could you
do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was
another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME
darling.” Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto
the ground screaming and having convulsions.
64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people
out.
65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and
begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good bessie.”
66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of
shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the
boxes and throw it in various aisles.
67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every
perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another
girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
“hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).” When the boy
shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
“hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).”
69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples
carts when they don’t realize it!
70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of
super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean
in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front
of your nose and saying “Oh god, your over powering the
perfume!!”
71. Hit on the elderly.
72. Hit on 5 year olds.
73. In the food aisle, pretend like there’s a little bug, slowly
move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left
as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the
ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like
crazy. Then finally yell out “Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was
the biggest Cockrouch I’ve ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!!
Hey look, there’s another one!!!” Then Repeat.
74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray.
75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat.
Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.
76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a
prissy English Man. Say things like “Cheerio, good man.” to
people who walk by. And don’t forget to have perfect posture.
77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your
friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those
electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they
don’t know you.
78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for
toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a hoarse, then pretend
that your a cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over
wanting to use it, start barking at them until
they run away crying.
79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind
customers and “accidentally” hit the people instead of your
friend.
80. Excesively use anything thing that says “Try Me”.
81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.
82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.
82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say
“Hello, how may I help you?” say “Yes, I’ll have a Quarter
Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of
french fries and a diet coke.” And when they start to talk, say
“Oh, to go”. Then when they say that they can’t give it to you
say “Oh, This is because I’m gay isn’t it? I’d expect this from
Caldors, but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like
everyone else your know. You digust me” Then walk away
mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl-
like as you can
83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people
asking where the rash cream is because your family and all
your friends seem to have a rash too.
84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your
“multiple personalities”. Have an English man, a Southern
person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old
girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should
sound like this: “Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly
good time.(English)” “Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta
Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)” Etc.
85. Start “dancing” like mad. Basically, just wail your arms
and legs around like your having some kind of massive
seizure.
86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the
store.
87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to
leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your
walking through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to
go off. Then when it doesn’t go off, let out a big sigh. Then
quickly look around you to see who’s watching and run away
as fast as your can.
88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,
your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while
singing the circus song.
89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department
90. Put lingerie in the men’s department.
91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men’s carts when they turn
around.
92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that
someone istrying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over,
start crying and saying “All I ever wanted was a little
attention” Then run away crying.
93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,
start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don’t look away, just
stay mesmerized.
94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say “Help me. The voices in
my head are telling me to do naughty things.” Then clap your
hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming
“NO!!! I DON’T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO
NO NO NO!!!!” Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the
eyes, and Calmly say “I…will start…a fire…” The pull out a
zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don’t
light the zippo, just hold it closed.
95. Light a match under a spinkler.
96. Walk up to someone and say “Oh, so your back for more. I
warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get
my shot gun”. Then walk away.
97. Walk up to a guy and say “Oh my god, is it you? Oh my
god it is!!! I haven’t seen you in so long!!!!” Then kiss him.
Then slap and him say “Why didn’t you ever call me??” Then
walk away. Much more affective if you’re a guy.
98. Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a
mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as
possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your
watch and say. “Finally, my shift is done. I really don’t get
paid enough to do this”
99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.
100. Act like your about to cry and ask people “Have you seen
my mommy?”
101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.

102 things to say during sex

1.But everybody looks funny naked!
2.You woke me up for that?
3.Did I mention the video camera?
4.Do you smell something burning?
5.(in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…
1.But everybody looks funny naked!
2.You woke me up for that?
3.Did I mention the video camera?
4.Do you smell something burning?
5.(in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…
6.Try breathing through your nose.
7.A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8.Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9.Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
6.Try breathing through your nose.
7.A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8.Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9.Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10.But whipped cream makes me break out.
11.Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12.(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13.Can you please pass me the remote control?
14.Do you accept Visa?
15.ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……………
16.On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
17.And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18.So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19.(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20.Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…
21.(holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22.Do you get any premium movie channels?
23.Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24.(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25.Got any penicillin?
26.But I just brushed my teeth…
27.Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
28.I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29.I want a baby!
30.So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31.(in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32.Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
33.Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34.I think you have it on backwards.
35.When is this supposed to feel good?
36.Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37.You’re good enough to do this for a living!
38.Is that blood on the headboard?
39.Did I remember to take my pill?
40.Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
41.I wish we got the Playboy channel…
42.That leak better be from the waterbed!
43.I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
44.But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45.Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46.If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47.No, really… I do this part better myself!
48.It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
49.This would be more fun with a few more people..
50.You’re almost as good as my ex!
51.Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52.Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53.You look younger than you feel.
54.Perhaps you’re just out of practice.
55.You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56.They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.
57.Now I know why he/she dumped you…
58.Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59.You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60.What tampon?
61.Have you ever considered liposuction?
62.And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!
63.What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64.I have a confession…
65.I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66.Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67.Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68.Is that a hanging sculpture?
69.You’ll stil vote for me, won’t you?
70.Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71.I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72.Did you come yet, dear?
73.I’ll tell you who I’m fantasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about…
74.A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75.Does this count as a date?
76.Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77.Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78.I think biting is romantic- don’t you?
79.Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I’m doin’?)
80.When would you like to meet my parents?
81.Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…
Woman: Yourself?
82.Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”?
83.Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.
84.Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85.(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86.I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87.Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.
88.Sorry but I don’t do toes!
89.You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!
90.Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91.Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
92.I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer”.
93.So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!
94.My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95.Is this a sin too?
96.I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97.Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?
98.Long kisses clog my sinuses…
99.Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…
100.How long do you plan to be “almost there”?
101.You mean you’re NOT my blind date?
102.Doyouwanna?

signs that you might be a cop

1. You have the bladder capacity of three people.
2. You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.
3. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
4. You’ve asked Santa for an automatic weapon.
5. You request a criminal history on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
6. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.
7. You own Kevlar underwear.
8. You find humor in other’s stupidity.
9. You believe in Areal spraying of PROZAC.
10. You buy black leather for reasons other than home entertainment.
11. You know “GOING POSTAL” doesn’t mean mailing a letter.
12. You believe that “ugly in public” should be grounds for arrest.
13. You believe that some people should have to get a permit to reproduce.
14. You fear the outcome if someone comments, “Boy it sure is quiet.”
15. You believe that coffee and donuts are two of the four food groups.
16. You own at least five pairs of mirrored glasses.
17. You’ve ever wanted to fence off part of your city and turn it into a prison.
18. You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a valid verdict.
19. You have ever had to put the caller on hold before you started laughing.
20. You wanted to hold a seminar entitled “Suicide, get it right the first time.”
21. You have ever heard a Sergeant say, “Who’s in charge of this mess, anyway.”
22. You paid more for your sidearm than you did for your car.
23. It occurs to you that you are policing “The Twilight Zone.”
24. You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
25. You refer to your work as “collecting garbage.”
26. You think of politicians, lawyers and disease causing bacteria as the same lifeform.
27. You think that if you weren’t meant to drive fast, they wouldn’t have given you a car with lights and sirens.
28. You believe it’s not a good death unless it courses overtime.
29. You haven’t seen it all – just all the sick parts.
30. You have trouble differentiating between counsel and client.
31. You believe that everyone’s IQ drops by 50% when they get behind the wheel of a car.
32. You know that Miranda wasn’t a dancer.
33. You don’t see daylight from November to May.
34. People shout, “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room, because they think it’s funny and original.
35. You believe strongly in involuntary sterilization.
36. You believe in a “public stupidity” law, for those cases where nothing else fits.
37. You are beginning to like the smell of pepper spray in the evening air.
38. Happy Trails till we meet again……………….

102 places to have sex.

\1. On a
waterbed.
2. Inside an unknown rocky cave or limestone cave.
3. In the weight room at your gym.
4. In your not-yet-finished new build house.
5. On the hood of your car on a deserted gravel road.
6. On a pool table.
7. On top of the washer… while it’s running.
8. On a soft rug in front of a fireplace.
9. On a secluded island beach.
10. In the backyard under the stars.
11. In the woods after it rains.
12. On a motorcycle.
13. In a public restroom.
14. In an airplane restroom — join the mile high club!
15. On a train in the middle of the night.
16. In bed with silk or
satin sheets.
17. In bed with rose petals all over.
18. On the beach at night.
19. In your lover’s childhood room while their parents are home.
20. Outside in the rain.
21. In a hot tub.
22. On the deck of a yacht during a full moon.
23. Under a rainbow.
24. On a trampoline.
25. On top of a hill.
26. In the middle of nowhere.
27. In the car during heavy traffic.
28. In the car on the side of a deserted road.
29. In a hotel.
30. In a state park.
31. On a waterbed.
32. On the loft in a barn full of hay.
33. In a field full of wildflowers.
34. On a rooftop.
35. In an open field at night.
36. By a waterfall with the water misting all around you.
37. Under a waterfall.
38. In your partner’s bed.
39. In the garage.
40. On a jungle gym at night.
41. Outside during sunset.
42. In the car going through an automated car wash.
43. On your patio, balcony, or deck on a starry night.
44. In the mountains.
45. On an abandoned air field.
46. Under the full moon in wet grass.
47. On a porch swing.
48. In the living room during the day with the windows wide open.
49. On a blanket beside a lake.
50. In an elevator.
51. On the bathroom floor.
52. In your partner’s parents room.
53. In a sauna.
54. In a very big bed.
55. On the top bunk of a bunk bed.
56. In a tent.
57. At your office.
58. On your
office desk.
59. On a boat deck with the waves gently rocking you.
60. In a tree house.
61. In a department store restroom.
62. In the restroom at a restaurant.
63. In a hot air balloon.
64. In a room filled with lit
candles.
65. In a bathtub.
66. In the shower.
67. In a canoe on a river.
68. On a baseball diamond at night.
69. In a swimming pool.
70. At the bottom of the grand canyon.
71. In a beach house with a light breeze gusting outside.
72. Off a beaten trail in the woods.
73. In every room of your house.
74. On a chair.
75. On an
air mattress.
76. On your kitchen table.
77. In a screened in porch in the middle of a thunderstorm.
78. On a hotel balcony, covered with a fuzzy blanket.
79. In a sleeping bag under the stars.
80. On a paddle boat on a lake.
81. In the bed of a truck on a hot summer night.
82. In the ocean… ride the waves.
83. In a room filled with balloons.
84. In front of a video camera.
85. In an abandoned barn on the hay wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a cowboy hat.
86. On an old sheet with chocolate body frosting.
87. On a bed surrounded by pillows.
88. At a bed and breakfast.
89. On an amusement park ride… tunnel of love, in the dark?
90. In the back of a limo.
91. Next to a campfire.
92. On a golf course.
93. In the car at a drive-in movie.
94. On really plush
carpet.
95. In your house during a thunderstorm, with a window open and rain misting in.
96. On a picnic table.
97. In a
hammock.
98. On horseback.
99. While scuba-diving.
100. On a ferris wheel when you’re stuck at the top.
101. At a rest area.
102. In a corn field.

102 more places to have sex

1. On a pier at the beach with the waves crashing under you
2. In the middle of a basketball court under the stars.
3. In the pool on a floatie.
4. In a convertible.
5. In a hummer.
6. On your couch at home.
7. In the Hugh Hefner Sky Villa at the Palms hotel in Las Vegas.
8. On a tropical beach.
9. In the honeymoon suite of a hotel.
10. On the balcony of your cruise ship stateroom.
11. On a mountain peak with cloud mist surrounding you.
12. In a kayak on a river.
13. Up against a wall in your house.
14. In a classroom on a desk.
15. In your closet.
16. In front of your web cam.
17. On a ping pong table.
18. In the stairwell of your office building.
19. In a nightclub – either in the restroom or a secluded area of the club.
20. In a
lounge chair
in your backyard.
21. In the middle of a group of bushes at a park.
22. On a bicycle.
23. On a riding lawn mower.
24. In an RV during a road trip.
25. In a go cart.
26. In the restroom of a moving train.
27. In the restroom of a moving greyhound bus.
28. In an airport lounge.
29. During a helicopter ride.
30. In a private jet.
31. Under a blanket during a romantic carriage ride.
32. On a golf cart.
33. On a mini golf (putt putt) course.
34. In a deserted area of a zoo – get wild like the animals
35. On the field in the middle of a stadium at night.
36. In the snow.
37. In an igloo or snow cave.
38. On your counter top – one of you sitting on it, the other standing.
39. Under a sprinkler in your yard.
40. In a deserted top row of a concert hall during a concert.
41. In an endless pool.
42. On a slip-n-slide in your backyard.
43. On an inflatable fun island in the middle of a lake.
44. On a sailboat.
45. At a ski lodge next to the fire on a plush
rug.
46. In an empty subway car.
47. In a gazebo at a park in the moon light.
48. On a vibrating bed.
49. On a round, rotating bed (ala Hugh Hefner and Austin Powers).
50. On a massage chair or vibrating massage pad.
51. In a
rocking chair
or glider.
52. On a cliff during sunrise.
53. On a swing set.
54. In the wave pool at an empty water park
55. On a surfboard in the ocean.
56. In a jeep with the doors removed.
57. On a haunted Halloween hayride in the dark under a blanket.
58. On the grass with no blankets.
59. While snorkeling at a coral reef.
60. Under a highway overpass of a rarely used road.
61. On a tractor.
62. In the back of a semi.
63. On a park bench.
64. On a bear rug.
65. While handcuffed to your bed.
66. On a cool basement floor with a thin blanket.
67. In a library between the stacks.
68. In a corn maze.
69. At work on your bosses desk.
70. At a park on a blanket on the 4th of July while the fireworks are being shot off.
71. On a bed at a
furniture store.
72. In the mud during a light rain.
73. In the foam pit at your local gymnastics academy.
74. Under the bleachers during a sporting event.
75. On a tanning bed.
76. At a
ski resort
in the gondola as you ride to the top of the mountain.
77. On a boat, in the middle of the lake.
78. In a jacuzzi tub filled with bubbles.
79. In a tree.
80. On top of a fire truck.
81. On the rooftop of a hotel or other building.
82. On a huge stack of pillows on the
floor.
83. In the middle of an apple orchard.
84. In the middle of a pine forest on a blanket surrounded by pine cones and the fresh scent of pine.
85. Inside a butterfly house or sanctuary.
86. On a blanket at center ice of a rink.
87. On a bare waterbed mattress covered with baby oil.
88. On the hood of a sports car
89. In a coat closet at a party.
90. On a mechanical bull.
91. In your parents car.
92. Under an oversized
air conditioning
unit (i.e. the ones on military bases).
93. In the back row of a dark movie theater.
94. In the car while driving on the expressway.
95. In a porta potty at the fair.
96. On the deck of a cruise ship.
97. On a recliner.
98. Wearing a sombrero, slathered in refried beans and sour cream.
99. In a room full of mirrors.
100. Next to your lit Christmas tree.
101. In a phone booth.
102. In a random office building that’s about to be closed or demolished.

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